The Scale of the Galaxy.

The above screen shot was taken from the great open source astronomy program Celestia. It allows you to move around the galaxy and view the stars from any perspective. The shot above was taken as if on the surface of the earth looking up towards the constellation Cassiopeia. Now take a look at this shot.

That one was take from the nearest star system to us, Alpha Centauri, looking at the same portion of sky. 

Our sun is visible as a bright orange dot in the center of the picture. None of the planets are visible at all. This system is over 4.3 light years away from us. It would take the Voyager spacecraft 19,000 years to reach this place, if it were pointed in that direction.

But notice the differences between the screenshots. The night sky has only changed a little. The distinctive "W" shape of Cassiopeia is still clearly visible, even though the shape is slightly distorted.

It's the galactic equivalent of crossing the street to your neighbor's house, except it would take years to get there, even with technology that is only science fiction right now.

Given all this I cannot wrap my head around the idea that the whole thing was created for us. In fact it is a downright preposterous suggestion. 

One Fact

It's been a while since I've written about religion. I thought I would give it another go.

I promise this one isn't too negative, just a call for understanding.

There is one simple fact that I wish everyone knew about me. This fact applies not only to me but to every person I know who has left the Mormon church.

The fact is this. I did not turn my back on any covenants or promises.  From my point of view the covenants were never real.

Now, before you stop reading. Again I promise I am not going to be negative.
But we do have to be honest about some things.
The simple fact is that if you are reading this and you are a believing Mormon then we have very different views on the world. I believe that your religion is just as false as all other religions. And you believe I am an apostate.

These facts do not bother me. I am happy to live and let live and embrace our commonalities instead of our differences. I have no desire to change your mind on the subject of religion. Although I have to be honest, it wouldn't ruin my day if you did.

At the same time I am perfectly accepting of the fact that you probably do desire to change mine. After all, if what you believe is true I can understand why you would feel that way, it's perfectly reasonable.

I am grateful to literally every single Mormon friend and family member I have for being amazingly tolerant and understanding of my loss of faith.  I haven't had a bad reaction yet, and I have had many great open and honest discussions.

So back to the one, simple, important fact. From my point of view the covenants were never real. I know from your point of view that sounds harsh. I know what that feels like to read something that conflicts with what you believe so deeply. I have been where you are.

I am not asking you to agree with my position. you don't even have to acknowledge that it's a reasonable position. But I would like for you to acknowledge that it is an honest position.

You see, sometimes I get the feeling that people look at it like us apostates made a conscious decision to go against something we knew was true. It isn't that at all, at least not for me or anyone else I have ever discussed this with.

I simply look at your religion, in a way my religion, as being the same as every other religion. In my studies I have made what I think is the most reasonable and rational decision about religion. I could be wrong. But so far I haven't seen anything to convince me that I am. That's as as much as any man can do.

So all I ask is for understanding. Understanding that even though you disagree with our conclusions, those of us who leave Mormonism, or even religion in general, are not doing so out of negative or immoral motivations. We are doing so out of the desire to be as honest and truthful as we can.

At least as far as I can tell.

Apologies for anger and offense.

While I still consider myself Mormon in many ways, I am no longer a member of the religion of my birth. It has been a fairly tough road from true believer to apostate. Losing faith is never an easy thing to go through.

As many of you know, in Mormonism your religion is a huge part of your identity. To lose that identity leaves huge holes in who you are that need to be filled. A huge variety of emotions come out, many of them negative. One of the most common emotions is anger. Some of the anger may be justified but I am sure that much of it isn't.

One other common feature of losing faith is the strong desire to get others to see what you do. Some of that desire is selfish. When others agree with us it tends to help justify the belief in our minds. So, many of us feel the need to get others on our side. A lot of that desire to convert others isn't selfish though, a lot of it is actually motivated by good intentions. Forgive my possibly offensive analogy, but if you were duped by a con-man that you also knew those you cared about had talked to, wouldn't you want to let them know. The irony of how close that sounds to missionary work doesn't escape me.

I find after time the anger slowly fades away. That isn't to say that it won't come up when certain hot button issues come up, or maybe if I am just in a bad mood. But the anger is less and less.

I also find that as time goes on, my missionary zeal has also faded. I find that I am perfectly willing to let you believe what you want.

Another very surprising discovery is that, although I still cannot make myself believe, I am filled with a huge nostalgia and longing for the religion of my birth.

I love Mormonism. I really do. I am fascinated by it. I find it one of the most interesting things about America. I seriously think that it is one of the most important movements in American history, and certainly the most important American-born religion. And I am lucky enough to have been born a part of it. So I talk about it, I bring up issues, I enjoy discussion about it. I enjoy talking to Mormons. I enjoy being around them too. I miss being around them.

Mormons have a persecution complex. I know this because I am one. Our history has been about persecution since the beginning. We are getting better as a people but many of us still cringe when we hear criticism. Even I still cringe. You might be surprised by how often you would hear me defending Mormons. Because, as I have said before, In many ways I am one. People at my work actually consider me Mormon, even though I have told them I no longer believe.

I say all this to really say two things.

First, I apologize for the times in the past when I have let my anger get the best of me. I am going to try not to let that happen any more. I will fail at that I am sure.

Second, I want to ask a favor of you. Please know that, even if my opinions may sound harsh, I never mean them as an attack on you or your beliefs. This isn't to say that I will never disagree with your beliefs, you already know I do. But know that I never judge you in any negative way whatsoever for those beliefs. I may still think I am right about a lot of things, but so do you. And that's okay. We have all lived different lives and made different decisions. One of the few beliefs I have that I really have to take on faith is that all people, or at least most, are doing the best they can with what they have. Which is all I am trying to do.

So please try not to take offense, and I will try not to give it.

Not this subject again....

Yep, sorry. We are going to talk about gay marriage again. I promise this won't last long. I just wanted to make one quick argument and see if I can get some responses.

Whether you like it or not most gay people were born gay. Most have no desire to reproduce with the opposite sex. Many are going to pair off into bonds with the same sex naturally. Some of these bonds will be very short and others will last a lifetime. Some will yield trouble, pain and hurt and others will be pure bliss. Most will probably be somewhere in the middle. Some gay people will choose to not get into serious relationships. None of that is any different at all, from a practical standpoint, as marriage.

It isn't as if there are gay people just waiting to commit to each other but can't because the law won't let them. Gay people are already in these relationships. Do you know what they call them? Marriages. They call their spouses Husband and Wife. They live in committed relationships just like many of you do. They are married.

Whether or not you give the same legal status to these bonds does not change the fact that they exist. It is only a question of whether or not you want to give the same legal status to them.

That being said, it seems to me that the only way you should deny these same legal rights is if it could be shown that doing so would be extremely harmful to society as a whole. Or at least harmful to someone. So. I have a simple question to ask those who are opposed to gay marriage.

What is the harm?

My mom taught me that it is better to tell the truth, even if it hurts.

I am a Mormon. I am an apostate Mormon but I am a Mormon nonetheless. Mormon history is my history. Nearly all of my ancestors at least four generations back are Mormon. It is not a conicidence that my last name is Harris and I am Mormon. I am a direct descendant of the brother of Martin Harris, Emer. He is mentioned by name in the D&C. He served as a scribe for Joseph Smith, Helped build both the Kirtland and Nauvoo temples, and practiced polygamy, a fact which I find fascinating. I wonder what went through his mind when he was told about polygamy. I wonder how he chose his wives. Were they chosen for him? Was he commanded by anybody to practice polygamy? Was it hard for him to accept the idea?

I am not unique. A high percentage of Mormons of all kinds, especially ones born in the United States and Canada, are descended from Mormons going back generations.

So you see, Mormon History is my history. It may be your history too. And I want to be able to know about my history. I want the church to tell the truth.

I am not saying they have to make an announcement about it. I am not saying they have to change doctrine or policy. They can quietly open their archives to scholars and historians and stop trying to hide the truth.

The Church has made some progress in this area. Their Joseph Smith papers project is a great step in the right direction.

But they need to do more. They need to give access to everything. Everybody knows about the vaults that The Church has and that they hold at least some items if historical significance. It is not known how extensive this collection is because The Church will not allow anyone access, or even give an inventory of the contents inside it.

They simply need to allow access to everything they own on Mormon history. Because the history belongs to Mormons, not The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

There is one thing else they need to do, and this might be the most important. The Church needs to stop excommunicating it's members who attempt to write open and honest history.

Is that too much to ask?

Facts

"Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence." -John Adams

I have heard it said that you are entitled to your own opinions, but not your own facts. I do not debate facts. I am happy to discuss facts. I am happy to show you the evidence for the facts. But I will never debate facts with anyone.

The following are facts

Joseph Smith did not always have the gold plates in the room when he was translating The Book of Mormon.

Smith practiced polygamy. Smith married at least 34 women, some as young as 14. Some of the women he married were married to other men.

Smith coerced one of these 14 year old girls to marry him by promising eternal life to her entire family if she would do it.

Smith's translations of all three facsimiles from the Book of Abraham completely contradict the interpretation of their meaning by Egyptologists.

There is no DNA evidence for any people of Jewish descent ever being in the America's at the time The Book of Mormon claims.

There is no archaeological evidence for The Book of Mormon.

Until 1978 the LDS church did not allow black men to hold the priesthood or black women to attend the temple. Many of the church leaders at the time said this was because blacks had the mark of Cain on them. Others said that blacks were being punished for being less valiant on the pre-existence. Brigham Young said that the penalty for intermixing of the races was death.

These are all facts. And there are many more interesting facts as it relates to Mormonism.

You can interpret the facts however you like. You can ignore facts you don't like. You even have the right to not believe facts. I cannot do that.

So,

I will not be called "Anti-Mormon" for stating facts.

I will not be told I am hateful for stating facts.

I will not be called a bigot for stating facts.

I will not shut up just because facts make you uncomfortable.

I will not apologize.

Love; Grief; Legacy

Love

In November of 1983 I was five years old. I have a very clear memory of my Mom receiving a phone call around dinner time. I have a very clear memory of watching my Mom's face turn to grief as she was told the news that her Mom had died. My Grandma was a beautiful woman. She was the kindest, most loving grandmother a kid could have. I was lucky enough to live close by, so I got to spend a lot of time with her. I remember her helping me learn to read and write. I remember her showing us how to make little roses out of clay, a skill that I still remember. She used to call me her "root-beer eyed" kid. I don't think that she loved me any more than any of her other grandkids, but she had the amazing ability to make me understand how special I was to her. The short five years I knew her made an enormous impact on my heart and I miss her every day.

In April of 1998 I was twenty-one year's old. I had been on my mission for 18 months. I was awoken by a phone call from my mother. The simple fact that she was calling was suspicious, but as soon as I heard her voice I knew before she told me that my Dad had died. Me and my Dad were very close. After my parents divorce me and some of my siblings would spend most summers and Christmas breaks in Utah with him. My Dad had a tender heart and a propensity towards anger. Two qualities I can relate to. He was at the core a man who cared deeply for his kids. Me and my Dad were very close. We shared interest in too many things to list. But his heroes became my heroes, and his loves and interests became mine. I always felt as if he was what I would become. I never had any doubt that my Dad loved me. I knew it broke his heart to be so far from his kids after the divorce. I knew this because it broke my heart too. I looked forward to and cherished all the time we spent together.

I did not go home for the funeral. Nobody told me I couldn't. I never asked. I regret that decision. I was doing what I thought was right at the time. I was even doing what I thought my Dad would want me to. But no person should have to deal with the death of a parent without their family. I miss my Dad every day of my life.

Grief

When I left the church and eventually became an atheist I had to come to terms with truth. I had to come to terms with my own cognitive dissonance. I knew I didn't believe in any kind of afterlife, but yet I held on to the belief that I would see those I loved again. I had to come to terms with the fact that I knew I didn't believe.

I had to grieve them again. I could no longer tell myself that their death was just a very long separation. I had to admit the fact that their death was the end. I will never see my Dad again. I will never see my Grandma again. I will never see any of the other loved ones lost.

But more important than the grief, or possibly one of the steps of grief, I needed to find a way to make them live on. I do not want someone I loved so much to not matter anymore to the world. I needed to find a way to make them matter.

I haven't been able to do that yet, at least not to the degree I need. Maybe it isn't possible.

So I still grieve. But I no longer have the option to return to believing the fantasy. Once belief is gone it cannot be returned, not without a huge sacrifice in honesty. My Dad taught me to be honest.

Legacy

Both my Dad and Grandma were Mormon. They both came from a long line of Mormons. Nearly all of my extended family are Mormon. Mormonism is a huge part of my family story. I have said before that I am proud of my Mormon heritage, and I am. I can't help but wonder, then, how my Dad and Grandma would feel about the decisions I have made. I can't help but wonder what their reaction would have been. Would they have reacted angrily like the horror stories I hear from others? Or, would they have reacted with disappointment and love like my living family has? I like to tell myself that they would react with acceptance. But that may be just another fantasy. In my wildest dreams they would tell me that they always shared the same doubts and understand exactly where I am coming from. I think that might just be possible about my Dad.

One thing I do know is that in my mind I am still following what they taught me. I am trying to live by what I think is true. I am trying to be loving and kind to others. I am trying to fight for the rights of everyone and build a just society around me. I am trying to be courageous and valiant in fighting for truth. I am trying to live up to the legacy of my pioneer ancestors. But I can't blaze my own trail by always following theirs.