Apologies for anger and offense.

While I still consider myself Mormon in many ways, I am no longer a member of the religion of my birth. It has been a fairly tough road from true believer to apostate. Losing faith is never an easy thing to go through.

As many of you know, in Mormonism your religion is a huge part of your identity. To lose that identity leaves huge holes in who you are that need to be filled. A huge variety of emotions come out, many of them negative. One of the most common emotions is anger. Some of the anger may be justified but I am sure that much of it isn't.

One other common feature of losing faith is the strong desire to get others to see what you do. Some of that desire is selfish. When others agree with us it tends to help justify the belief in our minds. So, many of us feel the need to get others on our side. A lot of that desire to convert others isn't selfish though, a lot of it is actually motivated by good intentions. Forgive my possibly offensive analogy, but if you were duped by a con-man that you also knew those you cared about had talked to, wouldn't you want to let them know. The irony of how close that sounds to missionary work doesn't escape me.

I find after time the anger slowly fades away. That isn't to say that it won't come up when certain hot button issues come up, or maybe if I am just in a bad mood. But the anger is less and less.

I also find that as time goes on, my missionary zeal has also faded. I find that I am perfectly willing to let you believe what you want.

Another very surprising discovery is that, although I still cannot make myself believe, I am filled with a huge nostalgia and longing for the religion of my birth.

I love Mormonism. I really do. I am fascinated by it. I find it one of the most interesting things about America. I seriously think that it is one of the most important movements in American history, and certainly the most important American-born religion. And I am lucky enough to have been born a part of it. So I talk about it, I bring up issues, I enjoy discussion about it. I enjoy talking to Mormons. I enjoy being around them too. I miss being around them.

Mormons have a persecution complex. I know this because I am one. Our history has been about persecution since the beginning. We are getting better as a people but many of us still cringe when we hear criticism. Even I still cringe. You might be surprised by how often you would hear me defending Mormons. Because, as I have said before, In many ways I am one. People at my work actually consider me Mormon, even though I have told them I no longer believe.

I say all this to really say two things.

First, I apologize for the times in the past when I have let my anger get the best of me. I am going to try not to let that happen any more. I will fail at that I am sure.

Second, I want to ask a favor of you. Please know that, even if my opinions may sound harsh, I never mean them as an attack on you or your beliefs. This isn't to say that I will never disagree with your beliefs, you already know I do. But know that I never judge you in any negative way whatsoever for those beliefs. I may still think I am right about a lot of things, but so do you. And that's okay. We have all lived different lives and made different decisions. One of the few beliefs I have that I really have to take on faith is that all people, or at least most, are doing the best they can with what they have. Which is all I am trying to do.

So please try not to take offense, and I will try not to give it.